I heard this song on the radio Wednesday night on my way to church for choir practice. I tried and tried to hold back the tears, but there was no way. This song is by Matthew West, and was inspired by a little boy named Dax who was diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia at 13 months old. His parents were told he most likely wouldn't make it to see Christmas. I KNOW these circumstances are VERY different from ours, but I couldn't help but put myself in his parents' shoes with my worries and fears about Chase's future taking over and imagine we were told the same news. My heart breaks at this very thought and in fact just thinking this compels me to tears yet again. I can't say enough how DIFFICULT this new world is and HOW VERY MUCH it SUCKS to have to face such a complex congenital heart defect every single day of our life. I HATE not knowing what the future holds for my little boy... whether he'll see elementary school, if I'll sit at his high school graduation, whether I'll have the honor of watching him commit his life to the woman God created for him. There are so many uncertainties, so many questions, and so very few answers.
This is where faith has to take over. And there are days I question whether or not my faith is strong enough to sustain the life God chose for me. Every parent worries about their children, but the majority of parents don't face what we're facing. I try to let go and let God have all the control, and put every ounce of my faith and trust in Him. But some days it's SO hard. It's so hard not to dwell on the uncertain future. It's so hard not to know what is waiting around the corner. It's hard, but it's a choice I make every single day to trust in the plan God has for my sweet Chase. I choose to let him live his life and live it to the very fullest!
Ugh. So if you have it in you, watch this video by Matthew West of "One Last Christmas." It will certainly touch your heart and most likely make you cry. But I can't help but remember that God has a plan for each of us. One to prosper us, not to harm us. One to give us hope. One to give us a future.
Praise God!
Kathy, I LOVE this video. It made me cry, too. So sad, but so beautiful. I know there's a lot of what-if's with our kiddos. Honestly, I just try not to think about it. I just focus on the here and now and enjoy everyday with Bodie. And I try everyday to keep an eternal perspective in mind - if, God forbid, we do lose our children in this lifeime, as unbelievably painful as it will be, we know it will just be a temporary thing, for our Lord promises us a life after this of unfathomable sweetness. We know that any separation is only temporary and we will be spending forever with our LO's. :-) Heart hugs.
ReplyDeleteLOVE this video too. Definitely made me cry because we spent the first holiday season with Logan in the PICU recovering from his first surgery. I remember praying that we would get to see Christmas together. That was ALL I wanted for Christmas that year. I am so glad that my one wish came true.
ReplyDeleteYou are right that we carry around all of these feelings with having a sick child that no one else can truly understand. It is through the pain that we have felt that we are able to appreciate things more and see the world so much clearer! Thanks for sharing your heart!!
Wow...what more can I say?! What a beautiful song and a wonderful video. Love and prayers to my precious sister and all the other 'heart' families out there as well.
ReplyDeleteI love you Kathy!
Jennifer
Beautiful post, very heartfelt. I too have the same feelings, the same fears. thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeletehey :), this is an amazing post, although the situation is so different i cant help but feel so connected. <3
ReplyDeleteIve also been in and out of your blog, its a new thing to me to be able to talk and share and get feedback from other heart moms from all over, its been a great experience so far, and it makes me glad to be able to talk to you and share. :)